Sunday, After Four Days Alone With Cassie

I took lots of opportunities to get down on the floor with her and pet her -- that's how I spent the last four days. That plus some time talking to her, hoping that my voice would reassure her.

This past Wednesday I came home after being gone for 3 nights and Maxine left for four nights. And while I don't know that this is the last block of time I'll get to spend with Cassie, I treated it as such, somewhat.

From the time I arrived home on Wednesday at 4pm, Cassie's been alone for at most 4 hours. Housebound -- yes. But willingly so.

For the most part Cassie's health remains OK. She's tripping over the door sills some of the time. For the past 6+ months it's been her rear legs and I've joked with her about picking up her feet, but recently her front feet too. And, a couple times she's eyed the door sill and I've worried that she's been apprehensive about walking over it.

We spend 10 hours a day in bed (or, on the floor, in her case). I haven't been sleeping well -- up for 2+ hours a night. So, I set the alarm for 8:30 so that we can wake up in time for her to eat and then have her 9am meds. I'm happy to do it, althought I know I'd sleep later if not for my responsibilities to her. Responsibilities I willingly take on.

Friday night she seemed to have impaired facilities. Bumping into things -- something she's never done before. Some apparent vision problems -- not being able to notice a biscuit on her bed (I wonder if she ever did notice it or just smelled it). Middle of the night I saw that she'd knocked over a small garbage pail in her stumblings. Finally, some hearing problems. I called to her several times and I don't think she could hear me. I hollered and she turned.

While I'd like to chalk this up to the meds, it really isn't. I'd also like to chalk it up to her age. But, in reality it has to be neurological. The tumor causes occasional impairments.

When I got home I could see there were differences in Cassie. I wonder if Maxine will see the same when she gets here in an hour.

It's a labor of love. Cassie has been as loyal as we could hope a dog to be all these years. She'd stand down a bear for us (or so we came to believe after a Montana trip). Most of the time over the past 4 days and I've moved from room to room, she's followed me. But right now she's in the next room over, the guest bedroom. I like her companionship. I'm aware of it. I've been surprised more than once over the past couple days to see her coming out of my office -- I wasn't always aware that she was there. I know this is inconsistent.

She is a companion. She's been home alone with me for 4 days. She used to spend 12+ hours alone with me while Maxine was working. We've come full circle? Anyway, I think I'll miss the subtle awareness of her presence...