More at the Doctor's office

I'm really not sure that I want to document this. I know it's a should. I cried. Maxine cried. Our doctor and her assistant gave us time alone with Cassie at various stages of this. I left the room, afraid to see her die, and then I came back in before it happened. Cassie went to sleep. The meds worked easily and comfortably. Life sucks. This sucked. She drifted off. Her life force, barely there when we arrived, is gone. She's standing on the table before the doctor comes in, shivering. We know her -- we know she's afraid. Does she know that soon she'll be no more. I'm sad typing this. We've been through this before with Ally, and the doctor said the same thing, that she didn't fight the meds. We wonder did we wait a day too long. Was she pacing all morning, and several times bumping into furniture, because she was in pain? She never really understood pain because we protected her so much from it. She hurt her paw w/in the last year and held it up as if to say, "I don't understand". A couple days ago she was limping. She's our daughter and we don't want her to feel pain and we'll move lots of mountains to prevent it. We know this is best for her despite (how selfish this sounds) how much it hurts us. When Ally died I went home and got drunk and passed out and woke up and Cassie was there, the same as she'd been for the past 5 years. Not this time, no dog remaining. This is the first time in 22 years that we aren't going to have a dog hanging out somewhere in the house. We leave the vet's office and Maxine asks if I'm OK to drive, I say yes, then prove her point by coming to a stop before we leave the parking lot and hitting my hand on the steering wheel and crying. For a time after Ally I wouldn't drive past the vet's office. Cassie doesn't leak body fluids onto the towel. Maxine stays behind a minute to thank the vet and gets a hug. I'm facing away from their office, my full body leaning against the car. As I left I did not catch anyone's eye. I hate this.

We come home and get drunk. Me 10 oz of good rum and Maxine 6 oz of margaritas. We neither pass out. We tell stories to each other about Cassie and laugh some and cry lots...