Saturday AM

It's certainly a continued indicator of our complacency that I went from Wednesday to today, Saturday, to blog...

We really do try to look at her as an "early senior" dog. We know that behind it all is the sword waiting to come down on us, the possibility of all sorts of tragic next steps, but in the interim I think we block it out as best we can. We both murmer loving words to her, pet her more, and are more conscious of her.

Some talk about trips, this fall, and future, are creeping into our talks. On the one hand, we both love to travel and like planning trips, and like having an upcoming trip on our calendars. On the other hand, it feels supremely disloyal. We really did have plans that involved her, for the next several years. 2011 in Paris. 2012 in a kennel for 2 weeks while we went to Africa. And 2013, as a (finally then, NOT NOW!) senior dog, a month's driving trip to states like Colorado, maybe Montana, New Mexico, and Arizona (I apologize for any states I've neglected).

Instead, our travel plans are tentative and disjointed.

Which brings me to today's post. Tomorrow morning after coffee, I'm leaving and I won't be back till Wednesday 5pm. I worry what might happen while I'm gone. I worry that something might happen dramatic enough that I need to drive 5 hours to get home. I worry about Maxine having to shoulder the care burden all alone. I worry just about being out of the day to day, thinking that I can somehow control it all and keep it under control. I know that control, that protecting Cassie and keeping her from harm, is just a fantasy. But, don't we all have a fantasy like that about sick loved ones?

While I'm driving home Maxine will be heading out of town. My trip is 3 nights and hers is for 4 nights. We're tag teaming our travel, not travelling together, in order to give Cassie coverage. In the end, are we doing it for her, our to assuage our own feelings that she'll be gone soon and needs to see us as much as possible in the interim? We do know that when she is gone, we don't plan on getting another dog right away. And we know that the loneliness of whoever is at home, even for just an afternoon or an evening, will be intense...